gimmeacookie's Xanga

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Sun, 11 Jan 2009 15:42:17 GMT

So much of what God has been teaching me lately is how much my faith is about me choosing to be obedient, and not about me "feeling it" or believing it in my heart always. For example, I had someone in my life that I really didn't want to forgive. My roommate April kept pointing out, that God tells us to forgive, and that I could choose to forgive, even if I didn't feel like it. It was about me choosing to do what God asked of me, and I can choose to go outside of my flesh and obey God.

A couple days ago, I got in a big fight with someone I love a lot. The interactions went really bad, and I was also really hurt by them, and I did things to hurt them back. I went over to my friend Amanda's house, and talked with her for quite a while, (I was worried about what would happen) and she pointed out how God was trustworthy in this area. I told her that I didn't think God was trustworthy and that I don't trust God, because he seems mean to me, and I feel like he takes things away so much and wants me to hurt. She said, but is that true about God. And I answered no, I KNOW it's not true, but it feels true. And she pointed out, that I can choose to believe who God really is, I can choose to trust God, and that I was in sin for choosing to do it my own way and be controlling, and deciding to trust idols instead, and placing my faith in people and myself. I knew she was right, but my pride was on the line, and I didn't want to admit that I had done wrong. As we talked more and more, I felt conviction of the Spirit that I needed to ask God's forgiveness. So it took me like 20 or 30 minutes to get down on my knees and as for forgiveness of Him.

As I was doing it, I had to ask for forgiveness for not even wanting to ask for it, because my pride was so big that I just wanted to keep doing it my way, and that I had a hard heart. And I asked Him to change that, and then I asked for forgiveness for not trusting him, and for doing it my own way, and for being controlling, and for putting idols before him, and that I wanted to trust him and I needed his help.

Amanda prayed for me for a while after that, and then at one point, she said my name and looked at me and said, Amy, I hear you saying that you want to trust God, that you want to choose to believe that he is trustworthy, but not that you are choosing. Do you want to tell God you choose to believe he is trustworthy, I mean, do you want to say the words? If not, you're still in sin, because just saying that you want that, isn't choosing to do it. It's not obedience then, you're still waiting for that feeling. You're still waiting, and sin just leads to destruction.

The whole time I knew that the Spirit was convicting me to say this, but I was afraid to say it, because trusting God scares the crap out of me, because then I can't be in control, which seems safe, but seriously isn't working for me. And I asked Amanda, is it ok that I don't feel like he's trustworthy, but I choose to say it anyway? And she said yes, and that choosing to say it when you don't feel like it is part of obedience, and trust. And that I can remind myself that he is trustworthy anytime I have a fear or a worry come up, and that I can meditate on Scripture so that I can believe it more and more, and maybe as I say it more and more, then one day, I'll feel like I do when I say it, and then maybe later it will be a lot more.

So I decided to say, God I choose to trust you with my life, and I know that you are good, and that you love me, and that everything you bring into my life is for your good and perfect plan and that you have only what is best for me and glorifying to you.

So yeah. I experienced some peace that night. And it was good. Choosing to live that out however, is much harder. I'm still worried about lots of things. I still want to try to do it my own way, but I can just wake up each day and remember, God is good, he is loving, he cares for me, and he is trustworthy, and I choose to believe that. And ask for forgiveness when I don't believe that, and choose to do it anyway.

I'm thankful God has brought me to this place. It's hard... but good. That is all.

Amy

Thursday, November 06, 2008

Thu, 06 Nov 2008 14:45:49 GMT

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.

(10) We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.

(11) We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

So Tuesday night before I went over to hang out with Justin, I prayed and asked God to protect me from myself. And to please help me not to hurt myself. What that means for me, is to not let my fear of man (codependency) and anger juts rage on him. Don't know if that makes sense, but it does for me. I worry so much about what he thinks about me. I want him to love me and like me all the time. And that just doesn't happen, because we don't like everyone all the time. I want him to like everything I do, to think I am just wonderful all the time. And that just won't happen. Especially because I make mistakes, but in general anyway, it just won't happen. So, in times when it doesn't, then I get angry with him, and take my feelings of insecurity out on him. I hate when I do that. Or if something he's done hurts my feelings, then I get angry with him.

So anyway, Tuesday night, he told me something that really hurt my feelings. And immediately, I was upset, and wanted to do what I do. Especially when I had asked him a few questions after that, that he didn't want to answer, I thought immediately, I can't do this, and I went and called my sponsor. Well she wasn't there. So I called another friend from my group, and another friend, until I got a hold of somebody. Instead of raging on him, I talked with them about what had happened. Talked about what I needed to do, how I could respond in my pain, in a loving, kind way, what I could handle, and what I couldn't. And you know what? I felt a whole lot better about me for not getting so angry at him and saying things that hurt him. I realized, God had answered my prayers. He had protected me from myself. He did for me, what I couldn't do for myself. He helped me to handle a situation that would have baffled me previously, and I would have taken my anger out on Justin.

Praise God. The end.

Amy

Saturday, October 04, 2008

Sat, 04 Oct 2008 16:37:36 GMT

This morning I went to Al Anon with my sponsor. It was good. They were talking about the 12 Promises of AA. Here they are...

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.

(1) We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.

(2) We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.

(3) We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.

(4) No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.

(5) That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.

(6) We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.

(7) Self-seeking will slip away.

(8) Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.

(9) Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.

(10) We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.

(11) We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

(12) Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.

I was glad it didn't get around to me. My sponsor and I went out to breakfast after that. She asked me what I was going to say if it got around to me. I said, I just thought that I was going to say that I was new to recovery, and that I didn't know if I really believed that this was going to work, and that these things were really going to happen.

I'm still not sure if they will. My sponsor did encourage me though, because of a few things I did last night, and being able to identify a few things I do as far as my codependency goes. She said all other addictions stem from codependency. Anyway. So I realized things I do like last night, asking Justin (because tomorrow is our off day) if he was happy to have a break from me that day. She asked me well, why did I ask him that. And I said I didn't really know. She kinda gave me the answer on this one, well, because I was already feeling insecure, and bad about me, and that I wanted his approval to make me feel better, instead of getting it from God, and being a child of God. I realized when I did that, that that wasn't ok, and that was my codependency. I just need to learn how to accept myself as ok, as a child of God.

Anyway, the thing she was really encouraging to me about was when I shared with Justin and was vulnerable with him. Anyway, so we went to see Get Smart last night, and I was having a hard time with it because in the movie agent 99 (Anne Hathaway) is like half naked lots in the movie. And I know Justin thinks she's attractive, and so I was feeling insecure and sad a little. Now normally, I would have pulled away, and with held physical affection and been all upset and stuff, but I didn't do that during the movie. And I enjoyed my movie. And it was good. And I was glad I didn't to that this time. And at the end, I just decided I would share that with him, not expecting anything back from him in return. So I just said, "I'm feeling sad and insecure because of her being so naked in the movie, and I know you think she is attractive." And he kind of just answered and said ok, I kind of wondered if you were, acknowledged me, and then we went on. It felt good to just let him in and let him know, and then to move on. Not to ask, oh did you think she was, oh, were you looking, etc. Anyway, my sponsor said she was proud of me for being vulnerable, and sharing with him.

I didn't mention the other stuff I shared earlier in the day.

Anyway, I'm trying. I'm learning. I'm trying to trust the process. I'm trying to trust that God can help me recover. I think he can. I hope he can. I'm learning. And at the same time, I love Him. One day at a time.

That is all.

Amy

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Thu, 18 Sep 2008 04:02:35 GMT

Today was a hard day, in a lot of ways. But I really feel like God is big, and loves me, and is in control, and is good. I'm happy about that. A kid at the church I work for killed himself today. I feel so sad for his parents. Someone I am closer with at the church was decent friends with him. Anyway, the email that was passed around to all staff contained these song lyrics, and I LOVED them. I bolded the ones I really loved!

In Christ alone my hope is found. He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this solid ground, firm through the fiercest drought and storm
What heights of love, what depths of peace, when fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All, here in the love of Christ I stand.

In Christ alone who took on flesh, fullness of God in helpless babe.
This gift of love and righteousness scorned by the ones He came to save.
Till on that cross as Jesus died the wrath of God was satisfied.
For every sin on Him was laid. Here in the death of Christ I live.

There in the ground His body lay. Light of the world by darkness slain
Then bursting forth in glorious day, up from the grave He rose again.
And as He stands in victory, sin’s curse has lost it’s grip on me.
For I am His and He is mine, bought with the precious blood of Christ.

No guilt in life, no fear in death, this is the power of Christ in me.
From life’s first cry to final breath, Jesus commands my destiny
No power of hell, no scheme of man, can ever pluck me from His hand
Till He returns or calls me home, here in the power of Christ I’ll stand.

My favorite part of that hymn is the "What heights of love, what depths of peace, when fears are stilled when strivings cease." I love that part, because I'm always trying so hard to control, so so hard. That's why I fear so much. I'm so scared of what will happen if I'm not in control. Slowly, slowly, God is showing me another way. I know that he has me exactly where he wants me, because He's good. And loves me. So much. I'm scared right now. But I know I can trust him. And I'm going to pray hard, and trust. I'm going to try to do something different. I'm going to love. I want my strivings to cease, and to rest in the peace that God has, and have him still my fears. I know he can do it.

Yay for this good song.

Today was a GREATish, haha, day at work. I got to take 18 kids to church from the after-school program. And two of them asked what it meant to be a Christian. I forget that this is the whole reason I do this job. So it's worth it after all.

And I have an amazing boyfriend, just so anyone who reads this knows. And he's hot too. :) That is all.

Amy

Thursday, September 04, 2008

Thu, 04 Sep 2008 23:22:31 GMT

I keep going in a cycle of negative behavior patterns. Blah to that. Tonight in my CR book, it was good. I came home from work, plopped down on my bed, determined not to go to CR tonight, and then something in me said, ok, just open the book and at least look at the lesson. And there it was, the exact encouragement from the Lord I needed. God is kinda good like that. And I love him. I sin, and need his grace. And I've got it. So that's a good thing.
Pray for me if you read this, I'm awfully sad and missing my dad a lot these past few days.

Amy

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

Wed, 03 Sep 2008 06:25:00 GMT

I'm having some serious trouble sleeping as of late.

There are many reasons why that could be. Every night I sleep, I dream of things I want to forget.

It's weird to sleep in a room with someone. I love April. A lot. But it's weird to not have it be my room. I want my room. But at the same time, I don't. There's no space in this house. Not in a bad way, as in a, I don't like my roommates kind of way, because I do. I do so much! And I like April a whole whole lot. But it's just, it's not my room. I can't sleep in whatever I want. I can't leave the door open to the bathroom while I shower. I can't change clothes without trying to have privacy. It's weird.

The last time things were this way, was in college. I shared a room with Mary, and Kellie. I didn't like either situation very much.

Possibly I'm afraid of sleeping because sleeping could bring dreams of my Dad's death again. and again. I don't know why I can't stop dreaming that night. It's seriously not fair to have to relive that in my dreams.

Somehow my inner time clock has realized that it's 6 more days. And I can't sleep. So I'm up. Reading. Watching Gilmore Girls. Typing this crap.

My apartment is up and down. Today's ending is blah. My volunteer orientation went well.

I hate being dependent on other people for my job. and my budget isn't big enough.

All those complaints aside. I love Jesus. I'm happy for where I am right now. I feel it's exactly where God has me, for my good. Even though I feel like boo. I'm convinced that His plans are better than mine. I was reading in 2nd Corinthians the other night where it said just that. A good verse for that night. So I'm off, to read. Until sleep comes for a few hours, and I go in late to work again.

Maybe I'll go in on time. My roommate April makes me get up. I get up long enough for her to think I'm awake, then go back to sleep. :) She doesn't know I have this xanga, so she won't know. haha. Although I know Amanda, you'll read this. So boo, don't call me. Plus anyway, I worked all my hours today, it just requires no lunch break and staying an extra hour. meh. and blahish. Because I'm also thankful and grateful for where I'm at. It's somehow peaceful in the midst of blah.

It's a lot easier now. 3 years really does make a difference. And I'm doing ok. And God is good. And I love him more than ever. This makes no sense. I just ramble in these things. But It's mine, so I can do whatever I want with it. Well, that is all.

Amy

Friday, August 29, 2008

Fri, 29 Aug 2008 03:22:49 GMT

My psychiatrist gave me homework that I am doing today. My counselor gave me this homework to do before I see her again this next week. But before I get into that I'll give you a little detail... So last time I went to see my psychiatrist he was really direct with me. I underlined that word because the word I used for it in counseling the next day with Angie was mean, and rude. Well, I had a lot of made up thoughts in my head about what he meant, that he never said. So we processed them all out of course. And what I can to decide was that he was direct with me, not mean. He's not a mean person, or stupid, or rude, or any of those things. But I was just there thinking, oh, he thinks I'm unhealthy and crazy and that I just want to be sick and never get any better. Anyway, so yeah. I came to the conclusion he was being direct. And he told me he was being tough on me, because I needed to do something different and he knew I was capable of more than I though. Anyway again... I was talking about this one women in my step study who I really like. Well, every time I am there I really identify with things she says, she's really real, she's really direct, she's to the point. I like her. I said how I liked her and how I like people who say what they think. And Angie challenged that, because she said that I didn't like it when the psychiatrist dude was direct with me. And I said I thought I did like it, and then, ok, maybe I like it, just not when it's directed at me. She told me to think about that. Think about whether I liked direct people or not. And you know what. I've come to the same conclusion. I like direct people, until they aim their directness at me.

I have surrounded myself with lots of people who aren't very direct. None of my best friends are very direct. My boyfriend is not. One of my new roommates is not. And one of them is. And man, the other day, that was tough. And I realized, I feel afraid of direct people. Because my mom is direct, and because sometimes that was used to hurt me when I was a kid. And so now, when people are direct with me, I think they just think I am crappy and worthless, and a piece of crap. And I realize now that I like direct people because you can know what they are thinking, and that as long as everything is fine you know you're getting the truth. You know you are hearing what they really think and stuff. But man, when that quality is aimed at me, I could not want to be further away from those people. I feel like a little child again who needs to be protected.

Angie said I should surround myself with more direct people.

CR sucked tonight. And I am mad about my job today. Mostly because I'm afraid of failing at it, and what that will mean about my value. Which of course is nothing, because my value is in Christ. At least I can determine the problem, even if I can't believe it yet. :) I'm in a downer mood tonight.

And I am mad in general at this very moment at God for being so cryptic sometimes. How does his will seem to be so hard to perceive.

Blah.

On the upside. I love Amanda Berry, my hot boyfriend, my family, and my new roommates a lot. And my dad. It's 11 days until he's been dead 3 years. time flies. That is all.

Amy

Sunday, June 29, 2008

Sun, 29 Jun 2008 03:18:23 GMT

I probably shouldn't even write this up here, because then someone I know from work might be able to read it, but I don't care. I'm upset about being at this job. It's been 1 whole year, and I'm ready to be done. I feel like it's my program, I've created it, well helped. But I feel like giving up. It's so hard. Everyday I go to work. Alone. It's a lonely job. I needed some help and direction when I got there, some training, some something, and I didn't get any. I've gone to pointless trainings, over data entry crap, and babysitting hoo-ha, I never needed to go to. We don't even use that kind of data entry. But this last week. It was a doosey. And I think I might be done.

All of those things, I'm talking about what was wrong with the job, what I didn't get that I needed, maybe I'm too idealistic. Definitely. But I don't think Christian ministry should be corporate. I think it's about loving each other, and not covering your ass. That's why I think the Mission's Agency, and the place Justin and I are going to India with is so amazing. They aren't full of loops you have to jump through. They aren't. They are about people who love Jesus, and helping them serve God. I have met these people, and I can tell, they aren't the corporate ministry type. And I don't have a problem with Walmart, or whatever, I just have a problem mixing Christian ministry with corporate crap. And I'm tired of the politics and I don't want to play the game anymore.

It's also been a good year. I'm pessimistic, obviously, so of course I tend to paint a bleak picture. But it's been amazing too. I've gotten to do so much with my kids. I've gotten to talk to my girls about sex, and why I am waiting until marriage (and about how they are worth too much to just go around putting out, how very valuable they are because God loves them --> I struggle with that, the idea that I am valuable because God loves me, not for other things), I got to share the gospel, which is the most important thing of all, I got to love kids that needed it. I got to show kids there is a different way to live life, different than what they see in their homes. Well, actually, I didn't do any of those things, God did, he just used me. In which, I don't know why he does. I can only count it as a blessing, because like Paul said, I am the cheif of all sinners, let me tell you that is the truth. But anyway. He gave me GREAT opportunities this year. I am thankful for those. SO SO thankful.

My counselor pointed out that they can do a lot of good. These corporate ministries. And that is easy for an idealistic young 20 something girl to get disillusioned with the church or non-profits because they run the way they do. Maybe that's what's going on here. But I think I say, lets strive for something different. Why do we have to settle for well, we fall short here, but do a lot of good there. Why can't we do good by our employees and do lots of other good things at the same time.Why can't we just run without all the business crap and trust the Lord. I mean, I think he would bless that. Or, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe then the "business" aka Christian ministry would get screwed. I don't know. But I was reading my Bible the other day, where it was saying how why would we sue other believers. And why would we take people to court to decide what was right. Wouldn't there be anyone in the church capable of settling that dispute. How do we seem to fall so short. Mainly probably because we are just people. I am just a person What's my right move. I don't know. I know I think I can't stay, that I think I can't stand it anymore. But God, give me the grace to stand it, if that's where you have me. Give me the strength and obedience not to run if you'd have me stay.

I want God to give me rose colored glasses. Because I seriously need them. haha. Either way, I love him, and he's good.

I pretty much only write up here when I am blah. I think it's my venting page. I like that hardly anyone reads this, because that's pretty much what I do on this thing.

God is good. And I love Him. That is all.

Amy

Monday, June 02, 2008

Mon, 02 Jun 2008 05:02:57 GMT

I had a good trip to New York with my boyfriend and family. Good and hard. In about 10 to 11 days, we are going to Oklahoma City to start Pre-engagement counseling. And this is the least scared I've been about that. haha. Fun.

The trip was really weird trying to introduce someone new into the family. It was definitely a weird dynamic. And a lot of my family dynamics came out. The yelling, the ignoring, the walking out without talking about the issues. Yep. That's my mom, and my gramma. I love them both. But they just get angry, then get huffy, and won't talk about anything, and then when they do, it's very difficult because nothing is really stated, it's just blame and insults, and nothing really ever gets talked about.

I love that Justin is the EXACT opposite of them in that. It's so good for me, so healing. Such a good balance for me in that way.

That's all for now. I'm tired.

Ah, and, they have hired on a new supervisor for me at work, a woman, who will direct the after-school program, who is lovely, and I am SO excited to be working for a woman again. It's already an answer to prayer.

And yes, one last thing... I really like the girl I am going to live with next year. She is awesome. Her name is April. I believe we are going to move in right across the street from Town Center, into the Biltmore. It should be good. We hope to have more roommates. We shall see.

Amy

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Sat, 10 May 2008 03:40:07 GMT

I wonder if I should get a wordpress site. They are so much prettier than xanga, and they seem to be better, and anyone can comment on them. BUT... my xanga is like 4 years old. I'm not a fan of change, I think I'll keep it the way it is for now... haha. I'm lame.

My boyfriend is hot and I love him, that is all.

Amy