| | So much of what God has been teaching me lately is how much my faith is about me choosing to be obedient, and not about me "feeling it" or believing it in my heart always. For example, I had someone in my life that I really didn't want to forgive. My roommate April kept pointing out, that God tells us to forgive, and that I could choose to forgive, even if I didn't feel like it. It was about me choosing to do what God asked of me, and I can choose to go outside of my flesh and obey God.
A couple days ago, I got in a big fight with someone I love a lot. The interactions went really bad, and I was also really hurt by them, and I did things to hurt them back. I went over to my friend Amanda's house, and talked with her for quite a while, (I was worried about what would happen) and she pointed out how God was trustworthy in this area. I told her that I didn't think God was trustworthy and that I don't trust God, because he seems mean to me, and I feel like he takes things away so much and wants me to hurt. She said, but is that true about God. And I answered no, I KNOW it's not true, but it feels true. And she pointed out, that I can choose to believe who God really is, I can choose to trust God, and that I was in sin for choosing to do it my own way and be controlling, and deciding to trust idols instead, and placing my faith in people and myself. I knew she was right, but my pride was on the line, and I didn't want to admit that I had done wrong. As we talked more and more, I felt conviction of the Spirit that I needed to ask God's forgiveness. So it took me like 20 or 30 minutes to get down on my knees and as for forgiveness of Him.
As I was doing it, I had to ask for forgiveness for not even wanting to ask for it, because my pride was so big that I just wanted to keep doing it my way, and that I had a hard heart. And I asked Him to change that, and then I asked for forgiveness for not trusting him, and for doing it my own way, and for being controlling, and for putting idols before him, and that I wanted to trust him and I needed his help.
Amanda prayed for me for a while after that, and then at one point, she said my name and looked at me and said, Amy, I hear you saying that you want to trust God, that you want to choose to believe that he is trustworthy, but not that you are choosing. Do you want to tell God you choose to believe he is trustworthy, I mean, do you want to say the words? If not, you're still in sin, because just saying that you want that, isn't choosing to do it. It's not obedience then, you're still waiting for that feeling. You're still waiting, and sin just leads to destruction.
The whole time I knew that the Spirit was convicting me to say this, but I was afraid to say it, because trusting God scares the crap out of me, because then I can't be in control, which seems safe, but seriously isn't working for me. And I asked Amanda, is it ok that I don't feel like he's trustworthy, but I choose to say it anyway? And she said yes, and that choosing to say it when you don't feel like it is part of obedience, and trust. And that I can remind myself that he is trustworthy anytime I have a fear or a worry come up, and that I can meditate on Scripture so that I can believe it more and more, and maybe as I say it more and more, then one day, I'll feel like I do when I say it, and then maybe later it will be a lot more.
So I decided to say, God I choose to trust you with my life, and I know that you are good, and that you love me, and that everything you bring into my life is for your good and perfect plan and that you have only what is best for me and glorifying to you.
So yeah. I experienced some peace that night. And it was good. Choosing to live that out however, is much harder. I'm still worried about lots of things. I still want to try to do it my own way, but I can just wake up each day and remember, God is good, he is loving, he cares for me, and he is trustworthy, and I choose to believe that. And ask for forgiveness when I don't believe that, and choose to do it anyway.
I'm thankful God has brought me to this place. It's hard... but good. That is all.
Amy
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| | Posted 1/11/2009 10:42 AM - 9 Views - 0 eProps - 0 comments
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