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Name: Amy
Birthday: 4/11/1984
Gender: Female
Interests: little kids!, chess, my friends, my family, being outside, swimming, running, the bible, jesus, art, poetry, reading, knitting, crotcheting, playing outside, walking around in sand/mud, and playing in the rain.
Expertise: speaking/acting wtihout thinking??
Occupation: Education/training
Industry: Nonprofit
Message: message me
Member Since:
10/4/2004
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| So much of what God has been teaching me lately is how much my faith is about me choosing to be obedient, and not about me "feeling it" or believing it in my heart always. For example, I had someone in my life that I really didn't want to forgive. My roommate April kept pointing out, that God tells us to forgive, and that I could choose to forgive, even if I didn't feel like it. It was about me choosing to do what God asked of me, and I can choose to go outside of my flesh and obey God.
A couple days ago, I got in a big fight with someone I love a lot. The interactions went really bad, and I was also really hurt by them, and I did things to hurt them back. I went over to my friend Amanda's house, and talked with her for quite a while, (I was worried about what would happen) and she pointed out how God was trustworthy in this area. I told her that I didn't think God was trustworthy and that I don't trust God, because he seems mean to me, and I feel like he takes things away so much and wants me to hurt. She said, but is that true about God. And I answered no, I KNOW it's not true, but it feels true. And she pointed out, that I can choose to believe who God really is, I can choose to trust God, and that I was in sin for choosing to do it my own way and be controlling, and deciding to trust idols instead, and placing my faith in people and myself. I knew she was right, but my pride was on the line, and I didn't want to admit that I had done wrong. As we talked more and more, I felt conviction of the Spirit that I needed to ask God's forgiveness. So it took me like 20 or 30 minutes to get down on my knees and as for forgiveness of Him.
As I was doing it, I had to ask for forgiveness for not even wanting to ask for it, because my pride was so big that I just wanted to keep doing it my way, and that I had a hard heart. And I asked Him to change that, and then I asked for forgiveness for not trusting him, and for doing it my own way, and for being controlling, and for putting idols before him, and that I wanted to trust him and I needed his help.
Amanda prayed for me for a while after that, and then at one point, she said my name and looked at me and said, Amy, I hear you saying that you want to trust God, that you want to choose to believe that he is trustworthy, but not that you are choosing. Do you want to tell God you choose to believe he is trustworthy, I mean, do you want to say the words? If not, you're still in sin, because just saying that you want that, isn't choosing to do it. It's not obedience then, you're still waiting for that feeling. You're still waiting, and sin just leads to destruction.
The whole time I knew that the Spirit was convicting me to say this, but I was afraid to say it, because trusting God scares the crap out of me, because then I can't be in control, which seems safe, but seriously isn't working for me. And I asked Amanda, is it ok that I don't feel like he's trustworthy, but I choose to say it anyway? And she said yes, and that choosing to say it when you don't feel like it is part of obedience, and trust. And that I can remind myself that he is trustworthy anytime I have a fear or a worry come up, and that I can meditate on Scripture so that I can believe it more and more, and maybe as I say it more and more, then one day, I'll feel like I do when I say it, and then maybe later it will be a lot more.
So I decided to say, God I choose to trust you with my life, and I know that you are good, and that you love me, and that everything you bring into my life is for your good and perfect plan and that you have only what is best for me and glorifying to you.
So yeah. I experienced some peace that night. And it was good. Choosing to live that out however, is much harder. I'm still worried about lots of things. I still want to try to do it my own way, but I can just wake up each day and remember, God is good, he is loving, he cares for me, and he is trustworthy, and I choose to believe that. And ask for forgiveness when I don't believe that, and choose to do it anyway.
I'm thankful God has brought me to this place. It's hard... but good. That is all.
Amy
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| If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. (10) We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. (11) We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. So Tuesday night before I went over to hang out with Justin, I prayed and asked God to protect me from myself. And to please help me not to hurt myself. What that means for me, is to not let my fear of man (codependency) and anger juts rage on him. Don't know if that makes sense, but it does for me. I worry so much about what he thinks about me. I want him to love me and like me all the time. And that just doesn't happen, because we don't like everyone all the time. I want him to like everything I do, to think I am just wonderful all the time. And that just won't happen. Especially because I make mistakes, but in general anyway, it just won't happen. So, in times when it doesn't, then I get angry with him, and take my feelings of insecurity out on him. I hate when I do that. Or if something he's done hurts my feelings, then I get angry with him.
So anyway, Tuesday night, he told me something that really hurt my feelings. And immediately, I was upset, and wanted to do what I do. Especially when I had asked him a few questions after that, that he didn't want to answer, I thought immediately, I can't do this, and I went and called my sponsor. Well she wasn't there. So I called another friend from my group, and another friend, until I got a hold of somebody. Instead of raging on him, I talked with them about what had happened. Talked about what I needed to do, how I could respond in my pain, in a loving, kind way, what I could handle, and what I couldn't. And you know what? I felt a whole lot better about me for not getting so angry at him and saying things that hurt him. I realized, God had answered my prayers. He had protected me from myself. He did for me, what I couldn't do for myself. He helped me to handle a situation that would have baffled me previously, and I would have taken my anger out on Justin.
Praise God. The end.
Amy
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| This morning I went to Al Anon with my sponsor. It was good. They were talking about the 12 Promises of AA. Here they are...
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.
(1) We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
(2) We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
(3) We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.
(4) No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.
(5) That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
(6) We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
(7) Self-seeking will slip away.
(8) Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
(9) Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
(10) We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
(11) We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
(12) Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly,
sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.
I was glad it didn't get around to me. My sponsor and I went out to breakfast after that. She asked me what I was going to say if it got around to me. I said, I just thought that I was going to say that I was new to recovery, and that I didn't know if I really believed that this was going to work, and that these things were really going to happen.
I'm still not sure if they will. My sponsor did encourage me though, because of a few things I did last night, and being able to identify a few things I do as far as my codependency goes. She said all other addictions stem from codependency. Anyway. So I realized things I do like last night, asking Justin (because tomorrow is our off day) if he was happy to have a break from me that day. She asked me well, why did I ask him that. And I said I didn't really know. She kinda gave me the answer on this one, well, because I was already feeling insecure, and bad about me, and that I wanted his approval to make me feel better, instead of getting it from God, and being a child of God. I realized when I did that, that that wasn't ok, and that was my codependency. I just need to learn how to accept myself as ok, as a child of God.
Anyway, the thing she was really encouraging to me about was when I shared with Justin and was vulnerable with him. Anyway, so we went to see Get Smart last night, and I was having a hard time with it because in the movie agent 99 (Anne Hathaway) is like half naked lots in the movie. And I know Justin thinks she's attractive, and so I was feeling insecure and sad a little. Now normally, I would have pulled away, and with held physical affection and been all upset and stuff, but I didn't do that during the movie. And I enjoyed my movie. And it was good. And I was glad I didn't to that this time. And at the end, I just decided I would share that with him, not expecting anything back from him in return. So I just said, "I'm feeling sad and insecure because of her being so naked in the movie, and I know you think she is attractive." And he kind of just answered and said ok, I kind of wondered if you were, acknowledged me, and then we went on. It felt good to just let him in and let him know, and then to move on. Not to ask, oh did you think she was, oh, were you looking, etc. Anyway, my sponsor said she was proud of me for being vulnerable, and sharing with him.
I didn't mention the other stuff I shared earlier in the day.
Anyway, I'm trying. I'm learning. I'm trying to trust the process. I'm trying to trust that God can help me recover. I think he can. I hope he can. I'm learning. And at the same time, I love Him. One day at a time.
That is all.
Amy
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| Today was a hard day, in a lot of ways. But I really feel like God is big, and loves me, and is in control, and is good. I'm happy about that. A kid at the church I work for killed himself today. I feel so sad for his parents. Someone I am closer with at the church was decent friends with him. Anyway, the email that was passed around to all staff contained these song lyrics, and I LOVED them. I bolded the ones I really loved! In Christ alone my hope is found. He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this solid ground, firm through the fiercest drought and storm
What heights of love, what depths of peace, when fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All, here in the love of Christ I stand. In Christ alone who took on flesh, fullness of God in helpless babe.
This gift of love and righteousness scorned by the ones He came to save.
Till on that cross as Jesus died the wrath of God was satisfied.
For every sin on Him was laid. Here in the death of Christ I live. There in the ground His body lay. Light of the world by darkness slain
Then bursting forth in glorious day, up from the grave He rose again.
And as He stands in victory, sin’s curse has lost it’s grip on me.
For I am His and He is mine, bought with the precious blood of Christ. No guilt in life, no fear in death, this is the power of Christ in me.
From life’s first cry to final breath, Jesus commands my destiny
No power of hell, no scheme of man, can ever pluck me from His hand
Till He returns or calls me home, here in the power of Christ I’ll stand. My favorite part of that hymn is the "What heights of love, what depths of peace, when fears are stilled when strivings cease." I love that part, because I'm always trying so hard to control, so so hard. That's why I fear so much. I'm so scared of what will happen if I'm not in control. Slowly, slowly, God is showing me another way. I know that he has me exactly where he wants me, because He's good. And loves me. So much. I'm scared right now. But I know I can trust him. And I'm going to pray hard, and trust. I'm going to try to do something different. I'm going to love. I want my strivings to cease, and to rest in the peace that God has, and have him still my fears. I know he can do it. Yay for this good song. Today was a GREATish, haha, day at work. I got to take 18 kids to church from the after-school program. And two of them asked what it meant to be a Christian. I forget that this is the whole reason I do this job. So it's worth it after all. And I have an amazing boyfriend, just so anyone who reads this knows. And he's hot too. :) That is all. Amy | | |
| I keep going in a cycle of negative behavior patterns. Blah to that. Tonight in my CR book, it was good. I came home from work, plopped down on my bed, determined not to go to CR tonight, and then something in me said, ok, just open the book and at least look at the lesson. And there it was, the exact encouragement from the Lord I needed. God is kinda good like that. And I love him. I sin, and need his grace. And I've got it. So that's a good thing.
Pray for me if you read this, I'm awfully sad and missing my dad a lot these past few days.
Amy
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